Tuesday, Feb 22 1949 10 pm
In twenty minutes, at 10p, Nick will arrive. I have often wondered what would be the future of such a beginning as this is in its making. Long ago I first took notice of him while we were waiting outside the Con doors for them to open at 7p. His one foot was resting on a sort of stone seat built, one in each corner of the sides of the entryway. I noticed his hands over the button of his coat in the vicinity of his crotch. This was constantly drawing glances from me. Not long after H. introduced me to him at breakfast. Ever since he has always paid me a greeting, even when I did not return it with as much concern, not having any reason to. I suspected; it did occur to me, but I never worked on it. He seemed much too gregarious. But later I did get around to a few short conversations with him, but by this time, seeing him clearly, I ceased entertaining such thoughts. After all, he was much too unafraid, was not in the slightest unmasculine, and did, have occasion to be as friendly with the girls as the men, but I did notice that I’d never heard or seen him on a date. But last weekend while practicing in the evening he did come in and spend quite a while sitting in the open window talking. The only thing that aroused the slightest apprehension was that he seemed rather restless especially his legs, which I know how to understand. But I still employed no effort. We both left at the same time. This afternoon as I was getting my coat to leave the Con he was sitting on the couch, he asked me if I’d seen the picture, understanding I thought he meant a picture in the book. Suspecting the question was ‘typical’ of these situations of which I’m writing, I walked over to him and asked “What?” to have him repeat it for my assurance. However, he meant the local movie. I said I had, and on the previous premonition I sat down beside him. It wasn’t long after our legs touched, that I noticed whenever I made a slight movement of the leg in either his direction or mine, he either resisted it or followed it. I made only a slight movement so as not to make it noticeable, but it was enough to give confidence and start us off.
I was shaking like a leaf with nervous excitement. I had stopped shaking quite a while ago in situations with E., having felt my position on a firmer foundation. But I shook today and for a long time afterward.
What I am wondering intensely about is the future of this affair. This is the first time that I have not had to seduce to get results but was met more than halfway by the other party. There was the man, but this is different. Nick is not repulsive, he is closer to E. than any have been, same large stature but not as perfectly muscled. Of them all, the man was the only one who came of his own free will anytime. E. came of his own free will, but he was a tough situation, his pride and ‘position’ were continually on guard. In other words Nick is the first one with the same freedom and interest as my own—at least of what I’ve yet seen. I must add: he is the first worthwhile one.
It is twenty after ten and he has not showed up. I am not disappointed except that a meeting was not kept, and am indifferent to the type of meeting, but then again not to say I’m not filled with anxiety. In fact, I sort of look with coldness on to the acts that will take place, the anxiety remains only for the conquest, so to speak.