Wednesday Feb 23 1949 4p
He came. It was very strange in that it was perhaps the cleanest one that I’ve had for a long time, if not for all time. All’s we did was—this is embarrassing even to myself—embrace and fondle each other, in fact one constant embrace, not a single fancy entanglement did we employ. What made it even more un-dirty is that there seemed to be a relationship between us beyond the physical, but not to say love. It was that he seemed rather humble, for he actually nestled to me, not as from sexual passion, but from a want of companionship, a desire to humble himself to his master.
I noticed this in all his movements; they weren’t brutal, nor shy, but soft and firm; they weren’t one tracked in that he didn’t seem obsessed with the genitals, but on the contrary the genitals were only the means to his end. He made no demands, was not at all forward but not, I repeat, afraid or shy, just simply as a woman who might accept and respect her own position as a means for her master to satisfy his passion, so that she in return might receive his interest, and companionship.
But this at first, or at least what I’ve seen of him, seems quite contradictory to his nature. In the first place his physical characteristics seem far from in need of ‘protection’. In the second place, and this struck me as the strangest part of the whole relation, whenever he spoke, it was the most casual voice possibly, as if he was in the most phlegmatic situation. In other words, his voice betrayed no fear or nervousness or excitement. It seemed as if what he was doing was the most natural thing in the world, not meaning the aspect of homosexuality that he seemed to contradict by his naturalness, but the sex itself, the affair, all the heat that goes with sex seemed out of his voice. It was void of emotion, especially free of the sensation of guilt. It baffled me. No matter how the situations in past instances have been, whether carefree fooling by utilizing variety, and regarding each position as a new curiosity, or whether serious with extreme passion, there was always an edge on the voice. Now at first this could have meant he was unafraid in the midst of this predicament, might have signified strength. But that seems unnatural, for strength is by nature the greedy one and thus the guilty one. Whenever weakness has a conviction of its place, from humility. But now one might reverse those terms making weakness the greedy one, and strength the one with conviction. Here we might say that strength in its position of asserting power is inherently weak, and that weakness in its position of acceptableness, respectful toward and convicted of its level is inherently strong. And we might as well add that conviction, satisfaction is strength, whereas doubt and desire are weak.
To conclude: independence = strength, dependence = weakness.
Anyway—but on second thought this casualness seemed to me to be, again, conviction of his humble position. His position was not meant to be strong so he was free of worrying about being strong and thus in turn gave confidence through peace. Only twice did he show fear in his voice, and this only before and after but not during the mating. The first time was when we were getting into position and I offered a suggestion, he showed fear of unsatisfiability; the second time was when he was leaving and this was fear of guilt in that outside my door he was back in society which might discover. Both today and yesterday, after and before, he treated the rendezvous like a simple meeting to play cards. Nick is not homosexual, but insecure.