Sept 27 1949
As usual I sat by Bob…this evening at dinner. He announced that he was having a date with a girl tomorrow night…I turned quickly, but not without surprise and asked who it was. He said “Sally…” “The girl at the dorm?” I asked. And he confirmed my suspicion. And suddenly I was overcome, as from a shock, with envy, tinged with jealousy, though the latter in a small portion being much too obvious a feeling to go unrealized. Was I afraid?…As I looked at him thinking of his date I was reminded with a terror of what I might be drifting away from. Here was Bob, a man, doing what was his instinct to do, not because he was a male, but because he was a man, simply reacting under the power that he felt in him. And I saw myself without this power, all the worse, that I’d lost it, given it up without care, without realizing what would happen to me, not just as part of my sex life but rather my whole being and its life…And as I walked over to the Con I had the powerful necessity, as if it were part of a duty to myself to ask Penny out as quickly as possible. For I knew that this Power could only be acquired, but only by its stimulation. I was envious of the ease with which Bob is a man without trouble and in spite of his few completely unmasculine idiosyncrasies.