June 13 Sunday 4p 1948
Last Friday I went to school at 10:30 to the rehearsal for the baccalaureate service. Afterward we went to our homerooms to get our caps and gowns and our report cards. I got C in Chemistry—I went down. I got B’s in the rest except all music subjects were all A’s. Anyway Peggy Holland came up to me and said, “Louisa wants you to call her up this afternoon.” I said nothing but looked up at her with my mouth I’m sure partly open. I asked her, “Louisa?” just to hear her say it again. She said, “Yes.” She went and sat down after I said okay and a few minutes later I turned around to look for Jackie and saw Peggy. Jackie hadn’t come in yet. I turned back to the front of the room and Peggy came up to me again. She and I had talked together a lot. She’s easy to talk to—to tell personal stuff to so she knows a little about Louisa and I. When she came up to me she asked if I was going to the graduation dance. I said, no. She said, “You should.” I didn’t answer. She said, “Louisa wants to go.” I could see she was trying to patch us up again. I’d told her before in our talks that there hadn’t been any real reason for our breakup. I don’t think Louisa said that; at least I know she wouldn’t say specifically with me like Peggy implied. Jackie came in a little later but she was hard to get to again since I haven’t been with her since the German class picnic.
Last Thursday night I went out with Jane M. who’d asked me to go with her to a dinner party before “Class Night”. She’s a dud, but I went.
I wanted to call Louisa as soon as I got home at noon but changed my mind and didn’t call her till about 3:30. She said she wanted to talk to me, so I suggested a show that night which was okay with her. During the picture I didn’t hold her hand. I didn’t want. I wasn’t in the mood but by and by as my shoulder was touching hers and my arm along hers, I grabbed her and almost crushed it to a frazzle. I wanted to kiss it and would have if I hadn’t reminded myself to be a little more controlled. She was excited too, I could tell, by the way we worked our hands. We were soon exhausted and just let our hands lay in each other’s.
After the show we went out to Trainer’s. And then home. We got to her house at about 12:30 I guess; I got home at about 3:00. Allowing a half hour to get home we spent the rest of the time in the car necking. I was going crazy, and could have gone on for years. The feeling was so different from that with E. or Paul. It wasn’t as nervous, more wholesome. That makes just about four different reactions with sex. 1. with E. and Paul; 2. the attraction I had for only a day or two after the first time out with the man; this resembled the sexual attraction for men, but I felt it for Jackie; 3. the feeling for Louisa in the car and in the movies and whenever I’ve been loving her for a while; and 4. real love that I knew for only a little while with Louisa two summers ago. Something tells me 3 is a part of 4. Only 4 was a little more powerful and more beautiful. And now that I think of it, I can recall any sensation with 1 as with 3. 1st was just an excitement.