51 6 8 Friday 11pm
There are two kinds of love, one that gives and one that seeks to receive, one that wants. The kind that gives never wants of anything. What part sex plays to destroy good love.
I think tonight K. and I might have seduced each other. Tonight he sought and I was free, such a relationship was bound to end in sex. He stayed with me in the office. When we came he asked me, “Are you going home or going to make menus?”
I had a date with Penny, which I didn’t want to meet. She had said she wanted to get to bed early and I wanted K. I planned to make it a short date, come back to the Inn and make the special menus and K. would be working in the kitchen. But I said to K. that I was going to do the menus.
“Then I’ll come in and watch you make menus.”
Before as we sat in the office he said that he was in such a mood that “a girl could lay out on the floor naked and I wouldn’t care.” He asked me what if he decided to stay three more days could he live at the B’s. My eyes spontaneously lighted up, before I could catch them, for though I did consciously intend to express surprise and gladness, they got a little out of control and outdid my intentions.
“Don’t get anxious,” he told me, “I’m still a virgin.”
He spoke derisively, and for I have seen this in Bill, he spoke with a quick contempt at this thought which he had had secretly and which had held him and which, it now being outside of him, he could take advantage and would enjoy chiding cowardly, and bitterly and supremely.
He followed me into the back office, pulled up a chair aside of me, sat facing me, and put one foot on my chair behind. He sat close and watched and made jokes. When I was through with one stencil and took it out, he showed me a mistake and bent close with his hand at the bottom of the paper touching my leg. I dropped one hand and let it lay against his leg behind me. While I typed he leaned back in the chair to look at something on the wall, laying himself opportunely before me with his head turned away. This I only think of now as perhaps suspect.
So many things do I let pass by and not take advantage of, almost being satisfied with feeling the sensations of just the atmosphere and depending on the situation to work itself gradually into realizing itself, without say sudden, rash, and perhaps, hazardous steps. I stood up, finished, with a leg on each side of his which I pressed, all with natural actions, which is what I strive for, afraid to do anything else. (Though there have been times when I would work carelessly, in haste and with confidence, even if I was not sure that the end would be achieved because the other would still be awake and not give himself so crudely, I knew I would not be making a mistake). While I stood thus he poked me at the sex and, having turned the small light out, I moved over to the table and he got up. He stood next to me there while I bent down to the box of menus and I was against his legs. At this point Brad walked in and stayed.
I left before I finished the menus, got Penny, walked with her, and went into the restaurant for ice cream. She invited me back to her room. She ironed some dresses for a while, than I scratched her back, rubbed her back \kissed it and brushed her hair. All the while I brushed I had my mouth to her bare back, she having on a shoulderless dress. She smuggled me downstairs. It was raining worse than it had been all evening, and about as hard as it could possibly do. I went back to the Inn and on the way met K. and Mary Ann.
“Look up,” he told me as I had been about to pass them. He had no raincoat on and when I said this, Mary Ann said she was wearing it.
“Have you finished your work?” I asked him.
I was moving on and he explained to an unspoken plea, “I’ve got to go home and pack.”